OPA, U-DA2-MAN to COPE with the DOPE2 Plan
Economic Stimulation Ideas for President Obama
Some of the ideas I’ve heard about stimulating the economy are just down right bizarre and Un-American. I’ve given at least 45 seconds of thought to the problems facing America and have come up with three ideas that make just as much sense as those made by all the high priced pundits of pernicious persuasion out there.
OPA:
To help the auto industry and give a booster shot to the mental health industry, the government needs a new department: OPA (Office of Pitiful Automobiles). The head of OPA would naturally have to be an American of Greek background since everyday use of the term always accompanies the serving of saganaki (the flaming cheese one gets at a Greek restaurant). The OPA department, in conjunction with mental health professionals, would evaluate all Americans driving cars over 4 years old to determine if they need a new car. Depending on the patient’s mental health state vs. the age, mileage and color of his or her vehicle, the shrink would authorize OPA and the Federal Reserve System to provide a negative interest loan to buy a new car. At the end of the loan term the borrower will have paid off the loan while putting down no money and making no monthly payments. These Americans will be able to hold their heads up high knowing that they helped save the American auto industry.
U-DA-MAN DOPE2:
Under-utilized resources to help boost the American economy are the Unemployed Drug Addicts of America Making America Nicer (U-DA2-MAN). Just look at how many illegal drugs are flowing into the U.S. from foreign sources. What we need to help the export side of our economy is to become a net exporter of drugs. To facilitate this, the President’s Drug Czar will be directed to locate all the U-DA2-MAN population and outfit them with the latest in lab equipment to make their drug of choice. This would be known as the DOPE2 Plan (Drug Operators Providing Employment & Exports). There would be one proviso – each drug producer would have to make enough to supply at least 500 addicts outside the U.S.
COPE:
We need to escalate our war activities to further stimulate the economy. I must admit that I have a modicum of self interest in this one. And, I want to confess that I love Afghani food. Would you believe that Phoenix, AZ, where I live, has 4 million people with no Afghani restaurants in sight? The problem as I see it is that the U.S. hasn’t done a good enough job creating enough refugees with good culinary skills. So the first order of business for the Obama administration should be to put the screws to Afghanistan by escalating the war there so more people will want to move to the U.S. The newly created office of COPE (Corralling Offshore People Expeditiously) will have the authority to screen for refugees with excellent cooking and restaurant skills and help them start another ethnic restaurant.
Tom Compton
Scottsdale, AZ
Printable PDF file in color: https://whtt.org/images/pdf-U-DA-MAN.pdf
